What *Not* to Do at a Bar Mitzvah

I just came back from a Bar Mitzvah, and this is what I learned you shouldn’t do:

1. Wear a sweater
2. Wear sweat pants
3. Hum
4. Drop your yarmulke (you have to kiss it)
5. Fart
6. Blow your nose
7. Not laugh
8. Snort while somebody’s talking
9. Lean
10. Sit awkwardly
11. Wonder why there were only 2 scrolls when the Torah has 5
12. Ponder the meaning of life
13. Complain that monotheism contradicts itself
14. Pretend to be lost
15. Get lost
16. Think that the luncheon room is in fact a photo shoot room
17. Eat too many potato thingies
18. Eat hot dogs
19. Ask whether you can get salmonella from the salmon
20. Pass out
21. Overplay Mariokart
22. Peek under the standing tables
23. Go to the bathroom and look at your feces
24. Close the door
25. Steal kisses
26. Whip out any technology other than a touchscreen cellphone
27. Go to the wrong room
28. Peer into the kitchen
29. Not use the coat room (first time I’ve ever used one in my life!)
30. Play Spy
31. Check voicemail
32. Give somebody a 3 dollar bill in exchange for slavehood
33. Give somebody a 3 dollar bill to laugh like a girl
34. Groan
35. Call for transportation too late
36. Ask for balloons
37. Leave your party favors out in the open (somebody ate all my M&M’s!)
38. Leave the temple when you plan to come back in
39. Read stuff
40. Feel socially awkward
41. Get dragged over by the person that you sit with at lunch who’s Jewish and let them guide you
42. Touch the Saturday service booklets (the wavy parts aren’t supposed to be there—it was added in by oil)
43. Use your info booklet as a placement and accidentally spill Shirley Temple on it (the drink)
44. Get French Fries to eat