The Grieving Process: Phone Out of Range Edition

1. Denial: “No, I’m just in a small dead spot. Maybe I’m holding the phone wrong. This can’t be out of range. It’s an iPhone 4 and the antenna is the metal trimming!!!”
2. Anger: “YOU FAILED ME AT&T!! HOW COULD I HAVE TRUSTED YOU!!! WHY IS YOUR SERVICE  SO HORRIFYING!!?”
3. Bargaining: “Oh, almighty AT&T people looking down upon me, I’ll never complain about your service again if I can just make this one little phone call!!”
4. Depression: “I’m so sad. Sad. Sad like a tomato is red. Sad.”
5. Acceptance: “Oh well.”
6. Memory Loss: “Why did I need to make a call anyway?”
7. Repetition: “For some reason that I cannot understand, I want to call my 4th grade teacher and tell her how much I loved playing with those legos.” 

Tip of the Month: Get people NOT to email you

Lots of people get too much email. Some people get only 15 useless emails a day (I remember back then…why did I subscribe to airport security e-alerts?). Sometimes, people email cute cat pictures to each other. What the heck? We KNOW cats are cute. Why can’t we just get the really important stuff and waste our time elsewhere, like on Facebook? Well, you can. With Gmail, there’s a feature where asdf@gmail.com is the same as asdf+jkla@gmail.com are the exact same account. We can take advantage of this:

Hi! My name is Bob Smurf! My twitter is @apple and my email is bobsmurfthehikingfan+doesntliketohavestupidemails-becausethatswhatfacebookisfor-andfeelfreetofriendme-becauseihavenolife-andineedfriends-maybesomerelationships-butanywayjustimmeontwitternexttime-becauseontwitteryourelimitedto140characters-soyoullcuttothechase-andnotsendmea3000paragraphquickupdatesoitsgreat-butanywayjustdontemailme-unlessyouhavetoalright-sotheniwillshutupifyoudothat@gmail.com

Just copy the long rambling hidden message and you’re good to go.

+doesntliketohavestupidemails-becausethatswhatfacebookisfor-andfeelfreetofriendme-becauseihavenolife-andineedfriends-maybesomerelationships-butanywayjustimmeontwitternexttime-becauseontwitteryourelimitedto140characters-soyoullcuttothechase-andnotsendmea3000paragraphquickupdatesoitsgreat-butanywayjustdontemailme-unlessyouhavetoalright-sotheniwillshutupifyoudothat@gmail.com

No more friggin’ LOLCATS!

Tip of the Month: Pretend You Have an iPad

No, I don’t have an iPad. But it’s so dead simple to pretend you have one. Watch and learn:

Hey, can I have the pictures you promised? Thanks.
Sent from my iPad

Your friend’s reply:

OMGOMG YOU HAVE AN IPAD???? OMG HERE ARE THE PIX AND MY CREDIT CARD # AND MY PASSWORD LIST JUST F[censored] LET ME SEE YOUR IPAD!!!!

Amazing spambots haven’t taken advantage of this…

Tip of the Month: Use Autosummary to Sound Even Smarter

If you’ve ever tried AutoSummary, it’s a real treat. It’s not perfect, but it’s great when you have a bazillion pages to read by next Tuesday and you need to make a nice rounded out summary of everything you ever learned from that single pile of bazillion pages.

Instead of actually reading (reading long papers are for dorks) the paper, you can use AutoSummary and then edit what Word spits out.

Normally AutoSummary is under the Tools menu. Version 2007 is different:
How to Get AutoSummary in Word 2007

(I purposely posted this on Apr. 2nd because Apr. 1st was already taken.)

The Stupid Blue Dolphin of Wisdom Says:

He who does not walk on the road to money, is not in Vegas.

Email is Down

I don’t know why. Our email is down, so if you need to contact us, please use @113productions on twitter. 

From the Archives: SilentPerson™

How does it work?

The unique and patented PersonSilencer™ works using advanced Navy-level adhesive (GreyDuctTape™) technology. It uses patented StickyPain™ technology, guaranteed to keep the person silent.

The patented SilentSpeaker™ is made using Expo®’s Patented DryErase™ technology. The RewriteAgain™ technology allows virtually limitness messages to be written without a peep!

How much?

If bought separately, the SilentPerson™ system could add up to hundreds of cents! But now, for not 500¢, not 400¢, not even 300¢, but only 29.95! Call 1-800-SILENCE now! That’s 1-800-U-LOSER now!

_{Silence!, inc. has no responsibility for the applicant of the SilentPerson™ system. The applier resumes full responsibility of the applicant unless the applicant is notorious for talking. Then nobody is responsible.}

_{Sorry Silence!,inc. and whoever owns the PersonSilencer™, SilentPerson™, DryErase™, RewriteAgain™, StickyPain™, GreyDuctTape™, and Expo® trademarks. I’ll take it down if you want, just please don’t sue me.}

From the Archives: 5 Word Sentences

This sentence is five words. This is five words too. Five word sentences are fine. But too many are monotonous. Listen carefully to the sound. It is getting very boring. The sound of it drones. The ear demands more variety. Now listen. I vary my sentences creating music. Music. I use short sentences. And I use medium length sentences. And sometimes, when I feel the reader is relaxed, I make a sentence that clashes cymbals together, blows the loudest horn and says listen to me, I am important. Vary your sentences!!!!!

My friend’s response:

Aren’t you bored with these? 5 word sentences are boring. I really dislike these sentences. But I will write them.Let’s talk about something else. Did you know pigs fly? No, they really cannot fly. Perhaps you already knew that. Aren’t these sentences very boring? Do you want to switch?  Fine, let us start now. Sentences are to be varied.  Not just five stinkin’ words. Different lengths are very beautiful. Short and very long sentences. Medium length sentences are nice. Long sentences are most used.

Word of the Day Will Have Read More Links

From now on (I’m too lazy to do all the other ones) the Word of the Day blog’s main page will only show the definitions and not the details, which is useful for scrolling through.

Do you like it or hate it?